This is Mrs Brown.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoeiOXpJksg

I hope it cheers up a few people feeling anxious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbA1iSjVSdo

Day One
Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We're getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they're good friends now and we're keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again. Yours affectionately,
Gobnait O'Lúnasa

Day Two
Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to some out in a week or two. The vet's bill was £8 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write. Yours ever,
Gobnait

Day Three
Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was £16 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds' droppings keep falling down on her hair whilen she's watching the telly, doesn't help matters. Thanking you for your kindness. I remain,
Your Gobnait

Day Four
Dear Nuala,
You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet's bill was £32. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend. Gobnauit

Day Five
Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings ! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don't want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings. Your affectionate friend, Gobnait

Day Six
Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us ? It isn't that we don't appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet's head from the pear-tree and his bill was £68 in cash ! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check. Gobnait

Day Seven
Nuala,
W e are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they've gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off. It is not fair. Gobnait

Day Eight
Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home ? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother's rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium. I'm very annoyed with you. Gobnait

Day Nine
Listen you louser !
There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I'm warning you, you're making an enemy of me. Gobnait

Day Ten
Listen manure-face,
I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn't a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium. You'll get yours ! Gobnait O'Lúnasa

Day Eleven
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel,
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like “Outlook”. I'll get you yet, you ould bag !

Day Twelve
Listen slurry head,
You have ruined our lives. The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they'd been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I'm sitting here, up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds' blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree. I'm a broken man.

Gobnait O'Lúnasa

LOL

ROFL

I do not partake in Christmas, but I hate to see this holiday season ruined for so many that do.

If there is anything I have learned over the years, is that laughter is the best medicine for a heavy heart.

Today, a near and dear friend of mine shared something with me that actually put a smile on my face, as I hope it does you.

After all; isn't this supposed to be a time of good cheer? And what better way to chase the blues away that with a good hearty laugh?

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Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember
that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

• *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn 't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I 'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

• *

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice " contract, set by
you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting
me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous
season into one of litigation. Also, don 't you think that a jibe at my
weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

• *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice " criteria, need I
remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well
that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney 's have been on
retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more
than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded
to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

• *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be
polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you
just be disrespecting me. I 'm about to tweet my boys and we 're gonna be
waiting for your fat ass and I 'm taking my game console, my game, my phone,
and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

• *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you 're sleeping; He knows when you 're awake ". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit
wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I
described them right now, you 'd throw up your Totino 's pizza roll all over
the carpet of your mom 's basement. You 're not getting what you asked for,
but I 'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you 're ass and
then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

• *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I 'll appreciate anything.
Timmy

• *

Timmy,
That 's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

• *

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