hi,
I've been afraid of this approaching date for years now. you would think that I'd be too smart to fall for it—I'm well-educated, middle aged, and I have a good head on my shoulders. But I also live with chronic depression, panic disorder, I've had a ridiculous amount of violence and trauma in my life, and all of that has left me ultra-vulnerable.
I'm having a very rough day today. Thanksgiving is over, it kind of feels like the 12/21 countdown has begun in earnest. My agreement with myself ever since this fear arose for me in 2009 was that I would not under any circumstances share it with friends. That I would protect them, knowing the effect it has on me when I hear that someone else is genuinely afraid. So I don't. My therapist knows. She is not available for calls on the weekends. And today I want more than anything to talk to someone.
I love David Morrison's videos and articles, I love the work that you all are doing. I think the "managing your fears" page is very useful and supportive. But sometimes, I can't even deal with reassurance without getting triggered. This morning, at my church, we had a wonderful sermon on worst-case scenarios. It was all about the end of the world from a Christian perspective. My minister knows exactly what my baggage is with all this. I should have been able to draw comfort from her words, but I came away in a state of panic and right now I'm unable to return phone calls.
I have a responsible job to go back to tomorrow, I'm a very good musician, a writer, and I have a dog whom I love to pieces. At the moment, I can't draw on any of that. I told my boyfriend about all this briefly back in the summer, and I don't think he really understood the power my fear has over me sometimes. So I have dropped the subject and I feel very far away from him.
So here's my concern: how do you talk to friends and loved ones about your own fear (if you do at all), when it's really really bad for you to be alone with it?