I know there are many here with anxieties. Some fearing a non event perpetrated by charlatans and con men, and they set the date so close to Christmas too — tisk tisk.
I do not partake in Christmas, but I hate to see this holiday season ruined for so many that do.
If there is anything I have learned over the years, is that laughter is the best medicine for a heavy heart.
Today, a near and dear friend of mine shared something with me that actually put a smile on my face, as I hope it does you.
After all; isn't this supposed to be a time of good cheer? And what better way to chase the blues away that with a good hearty laugh?
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Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember
that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
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Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn 't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I 'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
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Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice " contract, set by
you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting
me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous
season into one of litigation. Also, don 't you think that a jibe at my
weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
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Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice " criteria, need I
remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well
that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney 's have been on
retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more
than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded
to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
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Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be
polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you
just be disrespecting me. I 'm about to tweet my boys and we 're gonna be
waiting for your fat ass and I 'm taking my game console, my game, my phone,
and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
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Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you 're sleeping; He knows when you 're awake ". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit
wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I
described them right now, you 'd throw up your Totino 's pizza roll all over
the carpet of your mom 's basement. You 're not getting what you asked for,
but I 'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you 're ass and
then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
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Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I 'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
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Timmy,
That 's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
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