the sorrow of Christmas

Summary:

Does anyone else miss the joy this year?

the sorrow of Christmas

rattlyknees 16 Dec 2012 16:31

I don't know if I can go to work this week. I don't know how I'm going to leave the house. I am listening to a beautiful festival of lessons and carols on NPR - all my favorite carols and Scriptures - and I just feel so scared and SO SAD. It's bringing me to tears, and not the good kind. I've posted about isolation - this feels like solitary confinement. I feel cold. I feel numb. I'm so exhausted from pretending I'm fine.

When I pray, I pray for those of us who are so scared we can barely put one foot in front of another. Me. And a whole lot of you guys, too.

I need to be brave this week, and that may mean taking more of my medication, turning to my pastor (I am so ashamed of how crazy I sound to those who have not "drunk the koolaid" about 12/21.) I don't know what else it will mean, certainly coming here A LOT.

My boyfriend is coming in an hour; we're going to my piano workshop. I'm playing. How the heck I'll do that I don't know. I want this time of year (although it's usually a mix of depression and remembering old happiness) when I feel excited, joyful, looking forward to the FUN of Christmas, and the joy of it.

I hope it's okay that I'm starting a new thread. It feels so cruel that this is hitting during the Holiday season. Scared to hit "Post" but here goes. I need to not be hiding right now.

Rattly (again)

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

mommyof2 16 Dec 2012 22:37

I know exactly what you mean..i was starting to feel like that but every time i start to get a little uneasy i come back to this site and ask questions and usually get responses back very quickly..dont let the doomies ruin Christmas for you there is no truth to any of this at all..just try to relax dont get on the internet ..unless its to this site or watch shows on history or discovery if its a contributor to ur anxiety..the only thing to worry about is rocking ur piano workshop and enjoying time with loved ones during the holidays..enjoy and have a merry christmas :)

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Alene Y 17 Dec 2012 05:04

Hi Rattly and mommy,
Please don't let the crackpots ruin your happiness. It is all such nonsense. You aren't really alone unless you isolate yourself and fret about it. You have us and you have your boyfriend, that's one up on me. Anyway, we'll be here for you.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

metalangel 17 Dec 2012 06:13

And it makes me sad when somebody's sad because they're worried about the end of the world instead of Christmas :'(.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Johnny Football 17 Dec 2012 01:00

Not missing anything this year because of the doomsday crap. Why? Because I know is is a bunch of bs. This year is no different to me than any other.

The only thing that puts a damper on my festivities is the horrible events in connecticut where 20 innocent little kids were gunned down by a truly evil person. maybe that should put things in perspective for those who are letting the total bs of the hoxes rule your lives. In the big scheme of things the hoaxes are nothing. These 5 and 6 year old children will never have another christmas season. We will. If you feel anything, feel compassion for those parents who lost their babies. Feel compassion for the other children who watched as their classmates were gunned down. Don't let some hoax make completely rule your life.

I can tell you this, if it were my child who had been gunned down I would be welcoming the end of the world. I have lost a child and I can tell you there is absolutely nothing else that compares to bringing you despair. Worrying about a hoax is simply not something I can care about right now with what has happened in connecticut.

After reading my post I wanted to edit it a bit. I know it sounds harsh. but it was not meant to be harsh. It was simply meant to put things in perspective. There are families out there going through more pain and fear than anybody on here can possibly imagine right now. I can tell you that those people do not give a crap if these doomsday senarios were to actually happen. Heck, many wish they would. I know. So why let a bunch of made up bs take you down? These people are having to deal with reality. We are dealing with fantasy. Even if the world were to end on the 21st, and it is not going to, why not enjoy the next 5 days that you have. They are 5 more days than those 5 and 6 year old children have. And they are 5 more days to have joy than those parents have.

Last edited on 17 Dec 2012 01:06 by Johnny Football Show more

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Alene Y 17 Dec 2012 05:00

You are so right, Johnny. I can't even imagine the horror of having my children murdered. A bogus doomsday pales by comparison.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Johnny Football 18 Dec 2012 15:00

Neither can I Alene. I had a child wander off in a crowded location. The anxiety and fear I went through at that time gives me an idea of what they were feeling. Your mind goes into hyper mode as you begin to go through every senario on what may have happened, while hoping for the best. But my situation ended in the relief of finding him safe. These parents fears and anxiety is exponentially greater than anything I experienced. And to realize that many have other children and have to deal with that reality as well. For all the pain and grief they are feeling, they have to move on for the sake of their other children. I know when I look at this I get the understanding that my perspective could use a little tweeking.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

metalangel 17 Dec 2012 06:15

I'm not going to miss this year because until a month or two ago I almost drove myself insane because of this 2012 crap.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

metalangel 17 Dec 2012 03:42

I'm excited for Christmas. We went over to Myrtle Beach today and done some shopping(like everyone else). All the decorations were everywhere, no sign of doomsaying.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

rattlyknees 17 Dec 2012 15:40

You know, I feel kind of bad for starting this thread. After the Sandy Hook shooting Friday, who the heck do I think I am wrapping my whole being around 12/21? I am SO SAD about that tragedy. Johnny, I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child.

Still, let's be kind to each other about our fears. Mine ran away with me yesterday, triggered, I guess, by the little bit of pressure I was under performing at my workshop. Instead of playing the piano and enjoying the company of the other pianists, it felt like walking a highwire. On the way home with my boyfriend I just broke down. He hasn't seen me cry like this over my fear; I've managed to keep it pretty theoretical. I was so embarrassed. But it also seemed like breaking the silence could save my life.

I told him, simply, that this stuff, silly as it is, is an absolute nightmare for me. That the anguish is very real, and unbearable. After I pulled myself together, he left (he had stuff to do), thinking I was okay. I was anything but. I was thinking emergency room, hospitalization, all of that. I wanted him to come back and wrap his arms around me. So I called him. I am glad I did. He didn't know I was still in so much pain, and he wished he hadn't left me alone.

Today I'm okay. I took my ativan last night, and got some wonderful support over the phone before leaving for work. What I hate is how unreliable I am. I can't promise anyone that I'll be okay later today, and when I'm in pieces it feels like I'll never be okay again.

There's a segment on NPR's On Point at 11:00 EDT whose focus will be this. I'll be listening. Today I am going to try and focus a bit on other people here who are afraid, as well as the folks who are being strong. Yesterday I was in a very dark place. I can't afford to stay there.

Rattly

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Gary A 17 Dec 2012 15:45

You should pay attention to the people, like me, who a while back was in the same boat, and honestly, now it really is just another meaningless day to me.

---

The great thing about science is, it's true whether you believe in it or not.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Carol29 17 Dec 2012 15:53

When is comes to emotions and anxiety, we all break our promises. We change because we are human. Our anxieties change minute by minute, hour to hour and day by day. What I felt 2 years ago is gone now, because of this site, but other anxieties catch up on me not related to 2012…The everyday anxieties that we all face.

Focusing on this site is a great help. Being strong for others is something that you will never forget. Helping a complete stranger is a reward in itself. Keep it up Rattly….You are doing great.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Johnny Football 18 Dec 2012 14:48

I was not trying to be mean or unkind rattly. I know many people suffer from anxiety illnessess. I was trying to put things in perspective. Part of the problem with our world is we have become so me oriented that we seem to view things as if the world revolves around us. We put way too much importance onto things that really are not a big deal. When I find myself doing this I attempt, and I stress attempt, to change my perspective. The tragedy in connecticut brought me back to reality real quick. I probably came across harshly because of my personal experience. Anybody with children can understand the fear, pain, anxiety, and emotional rollercoaster that you go through. I feel that if we can change our perspective or worldview we can change how we deal with reality/fantasy. For example, I have been a bit stressed the last week. With 3 kids, school, extracurricular activities, family and the holidays, I have not been where I feel I should be in attitude. Then I read a story that completely brought me back down to a better perspective on what is important and what matters. You may have read about it. It was the story about the 6 children who had escaped the massacre at the elementary school. They made it to a gentleman's driveway and were sitting at the end of his driveway as he was about to leave to go to a diner. He found out from the kids what had happened and immediately took them into his home. The kids described watching their teacher murdered by the perpetrator. They told the gentleman, "Now we don't have a teacher anymore." The gentleman did all he could to distract the kids. He was able to call the parents by getting the phone numbers from the districts transportation services. The parents immediately came and picked up their children. Not long after all the kids had left a mother came to his house frantically looking for her child. She had heard that some kids were at his house taking shelter and she was desperately hoping her child was there as she could not find him. He was not there. Later, the gentleman read through the list of dead children and her son's name was on the list. I cannot begin to describe the anguish I felt for this mother. For any parent who has had a child wander off and then not be able to find them, while having to deal with the thoughts of what may have happened, you can get a very very small idea of what she was dealing with.

We need to be thankful for what we have. We need to take the time we have and make the most out of it. Let your boyfriend know how much you love him. Show him how much he means to you. Show him how much more important he is than some absurd hoax created by people who don't know anymore about the future than you or I do.

I spent the weekend answering questions from my 8 year old daughter and 11 and 12 year old sons about the shooting. Many tears were shed. I took the opportunity to teach them how to respond to tragedies and how to help others who are in need. While there is not much we can do to really help those suffering from this horrible tragedy, my children can help our local population who need help in one form or another. Helping my children work through this horrible tragedy helped them, as much a child can, get a better perspective on what is important.

While changing perspective will not cure you of your anxiety, it can help to keep you from keeping yourself in the vicious cycle that many who suffer from anxiety are in. While I do not suffer from the same illness many here suffer from. I use this tool to help me focus on what is real, and what is not. What matters, and what does not. My hope is that some here might be able to use it to help them do the same.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

rattlyknees 18 Dec 2012 23:18

Dear Johnny,

Thanks so much for this very thoughtful response. You sound like a wonderful father. I never had kids (never got married—my psychological problems have really interfered with my life over the years), so I can only imagine the heartbreak (seems a wimpy word in this case) you and your children are living through the processing of the Newtown shootings.

A little while ago I saw that there is an Internet movement afoot called 26 Acts of Kindness - I didn't catch the exact details, but the idea was that participants would pledge every day to carry out one act of kindness in memory of each person killed at Sandy Hook.

I hadn't heard about the man who brought the children into his house to keep them safe. it's very beautiful, sometimes, what we let ourselves be capable of when we decide to step beyond ourselves. thanks for that story. It will stay with me. as will the story of the poor mother who came to his house opened her child was among the safe ones.

One of the things I hate about severe anxiety and panic is that it really threads you around your own axle in a very big way. By definition, my shrunken little crawl-space world only has room for me in it. Uncomfortable as it is to emerge from hiding, it gets airless in the metaphorical bunker.

my boyfriend knows I love him. I need him to know more.

I had to take an extra ativan this afternoon. I was on my way to this website, which is not bookmarked on my office computer, so I have to type in 2012hoax.org in the search bar each time. I've memorized where the link is in the search results. I don't look above or below that place on the screen. I just train my eyes right there. Today, it had moved. I guess a few things got searched more than others. my eyes strayed to a link to biblical predictions. Things Jesus allegedly (?) predicted. Revelation-y type stuff. And off I went, although it really was an un-sober thing to do.

I know that all of this stuff that we're seeing on the web is total "spin". what scares me is how my body responds to it on a precognitive level. it's taking every ounce of strength and energy I've got to do anything but curl up in a ball. But thanks, Johnny, for taking the time to speak kindly and honestly to me.

Rattly

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

ghostieboo 18 Dec 2012 15:51

Rattly,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was always one to start listening to christmas music early, and constantly! Surrounding myself with every Christmas activity I could, making my Christmas List, having fun decorating the tree, but this year all of those things just bring me a feeling of dread. I told my boyfriend to put off buying me my christmas present until after the new year "just in case".

Although I'm doing so much better with my actual fear, my spirit has been taken away from me. My happiness has been taken away, and no matter how I try, I know I won't get it back until this whole 2012 doomsday is over with. I don't think i'll be fully back to myself until 2013.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Johnny Football 18 Dec 2012 16:29

Have him buy you the gift anyway. Not like saving the money would matter if the doomsday lies were true so have him buy you the gift so he can have the joy of giving you something. By keeping him from giving you a gift you are letting the doomsday lie hurt your boyfriend.

Last edited on 18 Dec 2012 16:30 by Johnny Football Show more

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

metalangel 18 Dec 2012 16:18

@ghostieboo(love the name :))
It's good that you're trying to do well with your fear. I think everyone will be back to themselves in 2013; I just want doomies to shut the f*ck up about everything, and these people preparing for the "doomsday" need a f*cking reality check; they're delusional. It took a whole lot of bravery for me to become a debunker and prove to myself that 2012 was a nasty joke.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

rattlyknees 18 Dec 2012 23:22

remember Dr. Seuss, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"? I kind of think of the whole 12/21 thing as a really nasty, really stupid, really obnoxious grinch. I would like to throw a Take Back Christmas party. I'm sort of serious.

Metalangel, I have so much admiration for you for becoming a debunker for yourself as well as for other people. Thanks.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

Johnny Football 18 Dec 2012 23:34

The difference is that the grinch changed, the doomsdayers will not.

I think you should throw the party and have a blast. Make fun of the doomsdayers and all there silly nonsense.

Re: the sorrow of Christmas

tglass1980 18 Dec 2012 23:35

I'm in the same boat. I've been driving myself crazy the last few weeks trying to figure this mess out. I have a history of panic attacks and am one of those people who believe first and research later. I have no Christmas spirit at the moment. I'm getting alittle more everyday, like actually shopping for my wife and others, i think it is helping me look beyond the 21st or even the 23rd for that matter. I wont lie and say i wont be nervous Thursday night going to bed but since i have found this site my anxiety has dropped by half or more. I just cant stop looking at my phone all day at work and hopping on the computer when i get home looking for new crap. I dont know why, all it does is torture me even more. I think I'm more afraid of the unknown than all the BS surrounding this hoax. I also used to like things dealing with space and weather but these d-bags get the best of me for some reason. I know that deep down i dont believe it, if i did i wouldnt be going to work tomorrow or eating or spending money on things, its just something thats hovering over me at the moment. I do have many more feelings of calm since finding this site. I thank you guys for the time you spend helping those of us who aren't the best at dealing with this situation.